_{it’s a discomfort in the chest, a feeling in her brain like excess caffeine that sets in deeper. she feels the urge to run, or rather escape; jump right out of her skin and join the ether. she feels like a child again, startled by such a simple request as if it was the beating that she feared. eyes flew wide within the moment of panic, letting go of her grasp abruptly. her instinct tells her to pick up his phone, and without notice she does so, reaching down the ground. she pays no mind to him, her thought set on salvaging his mobile phone as compensation to the collision she was aware he was equally culpable for.}

_{but instead, her shaky legs loses its balance and gravity does the rest. so much for holding onto him and yet she winds up stuck on the ground with an aching bottom, albeit his phone safely secured within her grip. she repeatedly whispers ‘ow’ harshly before curling into a ball and covering her face. “i’m sorry!” head bowed, her voice sounding off muffled against her arm, then she awkwardly stretches out her hand to offer him back the phone she risked a fall for.}

_{lost in some new crusade, the world just rocked back and forth between comforting and harmful. since the incident that had taken away her everything, there was never truly a ‘home’ anymore for her. her past has disrupted her beliefs and assumptions about it. she had always wondered why she lived when others were less fortunate. her sense of her ability to control her life has been shattered. she questions, how much influence does she have in her choices?}

_{it’s a lie that given enough pressure coal becomes diamonds and it’s a lie that trauma treated with disregard will self-repair. she hid behind a smile and reinvented herself, learning to keep her feelings inside. hurt lodged in that sweet heart like a slow acting poison and became the anchor point that kept her from progressing into the future, let alone the present. with an understated way of giving love to herself, she had become unstable, mis-wiring all synapses in her brain to think that she would have no place to belong. it had been devoured by the hollow shadow on the very same day it took away her fondest memories.}

_{bodies lay like ghoulish mannequins, the esophagus and arteries sticking out like so much corrugated and rubber tubing. corpses still warm, blood thickening out but not yet dried on their waxy skin. aside from the beating of their hearts, no muscle would move. her frenzy had no preference, no bias. it sprayed on everyone as if they were just meat, blood bones, blasting cavities into every part of them as it burst crimson into the fading day. in all the world, their flesh had been as blind as it was when their atoms were just atoms, bodies no more than borrowed elements forged in stars.}

_{it flashes like a fresh reminder that it is a wound that will never heal. she was responsible to what drew the ire to her, the sole survivor of the tragedy and the aggressor of it. she had done it to save herself, without thinking twice that it would bring her soul to eternal damnation. mirae had been convinced by her own neuroses that the only just sanction was for her to cease existing. “if there’s anything i can change in the past? just… the accident that killed my parents to never have happened… that one thing would change everything. absolutely everything.”}

_{“creepiest situation you have encountered?”}

_{the life she’s lived has already desensitized her to anything bizarre and scary, hence her definition of creepy being different than most. not that she could tell the stranger any of those. she holds back quite often when asked questions and yet she clearly works to make people interested, in hopes that she could form a family of her own. one that she wouldn’t ‘accidentally’ mass murder.}

_{there’s a moment of silence that fills in, long enough to make the atmosphere awkward or maybe even unsettling. what could possibly be so creepy? she chants in her head until it hits her. “ah!” she muses out loud as the invisible light bulb pops above her head. “there is nothing more creepy to me than a person with emotions that don’t match the situation…”} 

_{then another eureka interrupts her train of thought. “wait! no, no. never mind that. i met this person… not very long ago? he’s a charm to be sure. he has the right twinkle in his eyes and a voice… more warm than sunlight on amber. i usually like that… i’d smile and you know, enjoy an exchange of words… but i don’t know. every time he would talk, i’d get this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. he could tell me up was down and i’d follow him just to hear more of his… sweet words.“ she could vomit just from hearing herself talk about it.}

_{“there’s something in the way he looks at me too, like he’s doing so much more than just taking in my form like others do. in that way, his own face starts to look like a mask, controlled in order to have a particular effect on me. he bumped into me all before the conversation, actually. and you know what? the moment he stared at me, my nose started bleeding out of nowhere. and it’s bad when my nose bleeds.” slip of the tongue. she was too immersed into her story telling. “i-i mean, it’s bad when a person’s nose bleeds even though it’s pretty normal, r-right? anyway…” she pauses, catching her breath and sighing, letting the beating of her heart calm down.}

_{“i kept getting the feeling of déjà vu… anything he did. it’s a bit hard to explain. it was just the whole situation. it was a little uncomfortable but at the same time… i felt compelled to keep him around and i did! we are friends now… and i still get that feeling every time we’re together. i don’t know what to think of it? but yeah… it’s creepy. i guess, it’s more like a series of creepy encounters. combine each time that we hang out and it’s the creepiest!”}

_{“what’s your opinion on solitary confinement as a punishment for people who commit serious crimes?”}

_{smooth beads interlaced in the pale fingers of her trembling hands, her voice had become hoarse from reciting prayer after prayer. it wasn’t her religion but there was nothing else she could rely on, nowhere else she could turn to. she had feared what sorts of condemnation she would find everywhere her sins were known, yet she still hopes that maybe, just maybe if she pleaded for forgiveness all her life it will make everything better. it will be like it never happened. after all, it was an accident, right?}

_{wired to feel guilty, she had lived her life not too different from being in prison. but it is the unspoken nuances of an exile so official that makes the torture. stripped of everything you own, replaced with material not fit for even animals. inhumane is all it is.}

_{the walls have ears.}

_{it’s why she never talks. not to the people that matter. especially not to them. no one deserved to carry that burden of knowing. it’s why she doesn’t answer right away. the question leaves her in shambles, expression painted in a mix of anxiety and dubiety. she breaks, retreating into the innermost parts of herself. she tries to shake it off as much as she could with laughter, her small voice filled with innocence that masks the culprit of a massive crime.}

_{“i wouldn’t know firsthand and i don’t think what i imagine it to be reflects the norm… but in true genuine solitary, i don’t think anyone can deal. it breaks you… conjures up the forgotten fear of a small child, convinced that they’ve been forgotten in their room when given a time out. time, you realize, is a variable that no longer exists in the world. no clock, no radio, no other person to converse with… the primal anguish heard in the walls of such a hell hole will resound in anyone’s mind until their last day. whoever has to go through it can only hope to reconstruct some of the pieces of the person they once were before. i’m aware there are laws… but… i don’t know… i just can’t wish that for anyone…”}

_{start of the line, @jaeneral.}

_{with the nail of her thumb in her mouth she scanned the square, biting down harder than she had intended and swallowing the fragment. a pigeon was coming closer, rotating between pecking at the ground and observing her with its head cocked. she let out a laugh, releasing some of the tension. she sighs, realizing the person she had been waiting for just won’t show up anymore. the pigeon flies away just as she stands, ready to leave. her eyes fixate on its flight, following its trail with her gaze as she starts to walk on. but all that’s interrupted with an impact that throws off her petite frame. arms instinctively reach out front, grabbing onto whatever she can to keep her balance, and it fortunately somehow works.}

_{mirae looks up cautiously, nervously inspecting who it was while her nails dig into the stranger’s skin. “so- sorry. i wasn’t w-watching my step.”}

_{sometimes, no matter what you do, life will hand you some lemons.}

_{it’s really easy to respond to that with a trite “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade,” but sometimes that just doesn’t work. she felt pretty defeated from hearing the suggestion, so much that she couldn’t even bear to move one bit from her spot. she wasn’t the best cook but she sure wasn’t the worst. that’s the part that stings. it might seem trivial, and she could tell from the giggly tone from the older, but she really was set on making a good impression in the kitchen. she somehow seem to do just fine any other occasion. moments like these, she’d be thinking up what several things could get her back on track. being the meticulous person that she is, they weren’t simply links she’s seen in her own life, but they’re ones scientifically validated time and again; techniques that were identical to treating mild anxiety.}

_{first on the list was hitting the produce section, hard. bananas, apples, oranges, radishes, spinach… all that good stuff. she would bring it home and eat it freshly as possible. taking a walk, even just around the block. doing a simple yoga routine outside of the formal sessions she would attend to. such were options she had that were accessible even at the very instance but she didn’t want to bum out hyuna and rub off all this negativity that she always preached to avoid.}

_{she could benefit more with focusing on specific tasks she can do to earn back an equivalent of what she had lost instead of dwelling on recovering everything what once were. it proves to be prohibitively difficult for jennie with the kind of stubborn personality she had, topped off with the determination that doesn’t die out even in such a hopeless situation. owe it to the years of training she had to endure. it was all that has shaped her mindset to be this way.}

_{going out for outside food seemed a rational fix and with a sigh, finally after all the inner monologue that kept her silent, she agrees albeit it with reluctance spilling through her words. “yeah, that’s probably a better idea… i’ll call our manager to come drive us to some place.” jennie appreciated the joke, the attempt to lighten up the mood. it was a similar method she did to comfort others as well, in case empathy doesn’t come in handy. but she simply couldn’t shake off the disappointment that she was feeling. although she still tries since she can admit she was being a little too dramatic about it. “do you have a place in mind? i’ll check on my phone if they’re still open.”}

_{according to the dictionary, suicide is defined as, “the act of taking one’s own life.” she suspected she’ll go through life without ever attempting to commit it. not because of any moral standard, not because it was unethical. but as a result of a far more fundamental reason.}

_{this time, however, she means to perish.}

_{in the perilous journey so deep in the shades of agony, putting herself to death was her bid to freedom. to the hell where youth and laughter go, she sought her grief to smother. she sought extinction without pain. to sit all day in the sunshine like a weed that grows to naught, her heart has instead sprouted into forlorn.}

_{this is where the progression in stories take two strongly diverging paths. down one path, she actively participates and aids in its progression. she continues to work hard. harder than she did before. only waits a few more years. two or three more, and she’ll be able to debut. by then, no one would be dropping or getting kicked out of the line up anymore. her fanbase would grow and she’ll be performing with the girls she’s treated like sisters. a happy life where she’s survived this phase. down the other, she remains passive and allows the story to carry itself. her feet stays still on the edge of the concrete until the wind blows her fragile body, where there she falls, the cold air tiding against her skin as she dives into the ground, and splat!}

_{it wasn’t a pretty image. there is no promise of rapture and there is nothing that awaits her but darkness. her future is here. a permanent escape wasn’t the answer and she felt foolish for thinking it was an option in the first place. though she first belonged to the latter path, all senses strike her and it finally registers that this would only be but a mistake. by the time she feels regret, there would be no room for it.}

_{and by this time, she takes tiny steps back, very cautiously as the platform was a little slippery due to the fog that spread through the atmosphere. then she hears a voice, one of a male’s. she couldn’t make out to whose it was. unable to recognize, she turns around to find him standing across the rooftop. his call splinter inside her, causing more anxiety than the height of the sheer drop just centimeters before her.}

_{then it happens. a misstep, and she loses sight of jaehyung and her perception becomes filled with the night sky. suspended in the air, limbs falling, mouth agape, then hurtling toward the ground.}

_{the pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. black filled the edges of her vision and the only thing she could hear was her own heartbeat. her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps. seconds passed as she lays there, then she hears voices. people swarmed all over her, trying to help, she realizes. they wanted to save her. if she could have, she would have laughed. surely they could tell that it was far too late for her to be saved, yet they were like children, naive to the darkness of the real world.}

_{silly girl, selfish girl. it isn’t brave nor is it clever to inflict pain on other people forever. the fall terminates her family’s life too, her friends, everyone she ever loved. jennie, with the shy smile, has left behind something that was intact, and all the smug-faced crowds with kindling eyes can see is her mangled body.}

baskuiat:

After work, Tommy regularly would walk a couple blocks down to the nearest, good bar. Good here meaning not exorbitantly expensive. He often would get a couple of beers, typically no more than three, and a small order of chicken wings. He usually went unaccompanied and enjoyed every second of it. Not much of a people watcher, he’d watch the TV at the bar. Afterall, he didn’t have one himself.

Today was no exception. He had his three beers (decided he will have the fourth and fifth at home), ate his chicken, and watched the FC Seoul highlight reel. Tommy didn’t know much about soccer, preferring basketball when growing up, so he decided to call it a day at around 8 o’clock. The sun had just set when he stepped out, and the sky remained a variant of deep orange and purple. Walking with his hands deep in his pockets, pass his job and studio space, he looked for a cab that could drive him home. What’s the use of a license if I can’t afford a car? he thought every time he took a taxi, which was not often. Gangnam, of course, was littered with cars, all foreign makes. It made Tommy bitter and sad. Why do I have to work in Gangnam, anyway? Why can’t I work in Hongdae? I made good music there too…

“Tch,” he sucked his teeth, silently complaining to himself as he finally hailed a cab. He bowed his head in greeting at the driver as he opened the door, his foot nearly inside until a pair of hands grabbed his jacket from the waist, pulling him back onto the curb.

“Please, let me ride with you. There’s someone after me!” the tiny stranger yelled with urgency, her big, dark eyes glaring at him pleadingly. With one look, he recognized the young girl hiding in her oversized hoodie, the hood itself nearly covering half her face.

“B-Beulping?” he stuttered back, shocked and useless. But the girl, who was no doubt an idol and a successful one at that, persisted, grabbing onto his arm and tugging.

“Please,” she insisted.

With wide eyes and his mouth nearly agape, he nodded, moving aside before crawling into the cab after her. Beulping, he thought, Black. Pink. It can’t be. Moments passed in silence before he could muster out anything.

_{it had been a while that she had noticed the stranger behind, following her steps. the lamplit avenue gave it away, their shadow casting on the concrete. it was why she couldn’t go straight to her destination. she wasn’t going to conveniently lead him to their company’s van. stalkers take drastic measures. memorizing license plates was the least of it.}

_{jennie makes a turn at the corner. rookie mistake, because it only makes the situation apparent. this person was eager to chase after her. but she was desperate to get rid of them. she then starts bolting down the path like a real runner at the start gun, each one of her mighty strides were worth at least two of her normal ones. she was slightly athletic, what with all the dancing that she did in practice and the yoga that keeps her flexible among other benefits, but she didn’t know she could run this fast. and it only quickens in pace, the pounding noise of her shoes resonating off the walls of the alley with a clanging echo that matched her heart throbbing inside her chest with a thick fear. this can’t be another run in with a druggie. she’s done befriending those sort of people, and she didn’t mind not finding out who this pursuer is nor did she care for their actual intentions.}

_{the first thing she spots at the end of the small detour was an innocuous bystander, nothing to do with her situation, no one she knew personally. it was just, what she would call, a fateful encounter. she approaches the male with urgency, and all he gives her was this dense look. on top of that, it was hard to make out what he was saying.}

_{“are you two getting in or not?”}

_{the driver’s yell triggers more adrenaline, giving rise to more rash decisions. this time, she hastily pushes him inside and lets herself in after. in all the rushing, she states an address to the driver so quick it sounds of a tongue twister. the engine revs and off the car goes. she turns to look through the window behind, finding the stalker to have given up on their trail and she sighs in relief, sitting slackened on the comfort of the car seat. her hood comes off and she fans herself with her hands. “thank god.” she whispers harshly to herself before finally giving a good glance at the male beside her. “oh, i’m sorry i pushed you like that… you’re okay, right?”}

_{start of the line, @consilian @aduros @seulpeun.}

_{eyes peeking through the van’s open window, she watches the headlights of other cars that pass them by shine like smudged stars. the wintry mist touches her cold upon the skin. the journey passes and the sunlight rouses more colors from their sleepy monochrome. and though the road still has the dark look of night, the sky is already more bluish than charcoal. under the fumes of the morning traffic, a tincture of dawn lingers, like dew upon leaves, a gift of freshness bequeathed anew each day.}

_{becoming more aware of the loamy fragrance of the air, she yawns with the back of her hand hovering over her mouth. early schedules weren’t uncommon, but for a trip to successfully happen there needed to be a different kind of preparation. it was like moving out of the dorms except she spends packing in enthusiasm because of the promised time for leisure. she even includes an itinerary of her own, in case things go wrong and a back up plan was requisite. that’s the part that’s uncommon. she hadn’t been on a vacation with her group. she remains wishing for it to happen. her goal didn’t come to be what she had in mind, the set of people completely differing from the three girls she has lived with for years, but it didn’t excite her any less.}

_{for one, she recalls miyoung to be an interesting character (just as the others, as far as she knew), especially with all the history credentials up her sleeve. she’s the first person to meet up with for the day. as planned, the van arrives to the gathering place. jennie hops off the vehicle, bidding her manager adieu, and heading on to greet the friend waiting in the car with a couple of knocks on the window. “wake up! i’m here, let me in!” she exclaims, as if she was being heard.}