the apology was contested by the dismissive wave of her hands, but then again she imagined this was a result of her own. it was always like a tug of war, pulling at the same rope of absolution, insisting on the fault placed on themselves; mirae won it almost always. that’s the most she could beat anyone in anyway, or a close second to holding the door for someone, which just proves the quintessential mannerly person that she is.
one could argue she was this way because of her lack of self-esteem because clearly, she wasn’t raised to be this way nor was she raised in any way a child should have been raised. she was no more than a tiny soldier, stiff and disciplined. now in freedom (technically), for her it meant to be anything and everything but. which gives us present mirae, proving that she was quite unsuccessful at that so far. it’s only really been two years, however. can she be blamed? she was at least a little less stiff and can be given credit for being a lot less disciplined (which isn’t exactly a good thing).
back at her feet once again, legs twitch inward as they remained wobbly. her nervousness was unfounded as the person was a complete stranger and had no right to regulate her like her parents would over a simple mistake. “sorry…” it slipped her, knowing full well if she kept this up it’ll only be a string of more unnecessary apologies. “sorry… heok…!!” the shock came out like a hiccup. “i’ll stop saying sorry…” fingers twiddled until they found a steady place on her own arms stacked upon each other. “is your phone fine? you don’t have to say sorry, though… i bumped into you, i think?” she looked away as she spoke before looking back up at him. “but let’s just forget about that. are you going somewhere? i’m not keeping you from leaving, am i…?”
( @jkbaws ♡ )
“Unniiie, if I keep these shoes on any longer my feet will never listen to me again.” The comeback’s coming up and Seungyeon had been trying to squeeze out all the time she could for her friends amidst the preparations. Dealing with members first, managers next and friends last she’d managed to get Jennie out with her in a quaint little shop outside Seoul. If there’s one thing she’s done during their rest period, it was wear sneakers like no tomorrow. Breaking back in heels had become something of a task before their official date. So she’s called the queen of heels (as far as she knows) to help her get accustomed to the feel, and have a little fun along the way. Secret shoe store visits and good company is always a good idea. “Oh my sneakers how I miss you…..”
the willingness to compete against things normally difficult to do was a downright defining trait to jennie. though she wasn’t sure it was the reason it was her seungyeon picked to be accompanied by for this store visit, she had a suspicion that it was the case which makes her feel compelled to rub off her high spirits. it was even heightened by the thought, relishing in the interpretation she chose to go with. “you have to just fake it ‘til you make it.” she spoke firmly and brimming with enthusiasm as if the fire had been lit through her gaze. things do take some getting used to. just like how anyone can be vegan if they only ate vegetables on a daily until the time came that it becomes the most delicious taste their palate can be graced by. “you’re the boss! you’ll have to train your feet to get used to it again.”
It was now or never.
A glimmer of hope flitted through her head, and she thought perhaps today would be the day. perhaps today would be the beginning of her seeing the world through jennie’s eyes. She’s never had courage, never had enough faith in someone else to even begin telling this truth. Yet, somehow, there have been more and more people she wanted to know that they had the world in their hands.
And jennie was no exception.
“Listen,” She sat beside her, grabbing hold of the younger girl’s hand. Her hands were shaky, and she tightened her grip in hopes that maybe it’ll stop the trembling of her fingers. Or maybe she was just stopping the circulation in jennie’s hand. She could’ve laughed at herself for thinking she could hear the drumming of her heart, but again, maybe that was a trick her mind was playing on her.
(a dead girl trying to believe she’s still human).
“I’m not at all like how you think I am.” The words fall off her lips like grains of sand falling in an hourglass. Eventually, there would be an end. Eventually, she would have to stop. Time was ticking against her, and if she didn’t finish in time, she doesn’t know when the next time she’ll be able to say these words. “And I’m sorry for lying. For lying every time I’m with you.”
she closed her eyes, sighing heavily as she imagined her time running out. the mocking voice in her head told her she wouldn’t be able to do it. The sand fell quicker and quicker, but she knew it wasn’t. She was just wasting more time. But she’s been here for so long, and she’s wasted enough time being afraid of everything. Of hurting.
So she decided with a reassuring squeeze from jennie that she wouldn’t be afraid. That she’ll go however far time lets her. that rather than being a prisoner, she’ll become a companion.
“So here’s the truth.”
we tend to project serenity upon the silent, but in person, jennie has the tense energy of a coiled spring, or a set trap. it was the same way jieun was in jennie’s eyes. she supposed at this moment at hand, that image of her friend was about to be bent. not shattered but bent, only because this energy could mean absolutely anything and the ambiguity of that idea leaves room for something unexpected.
it was worrisome to think that someone you know wasn’t the person you always knew them as. she imagined it was the same for most people, if not everyone. either way, she imagined the people who didn’t feel bothered by it were numbed to emotions, desensitized to the human condition or denied of it in general. a curse, she might emphasize. jennie had no clue what she was about to be confronted by, not an inkling of why she had been summoned for this in the first place. it must be so important that it had to be in a setting filled with all the tautness in the air.
“i’m listening…” her voice hinted the harrow within her nerves. she held onto the hopeful side of the situation no matter how gloomy it might seem on the surface. she did so the same way she gripped at jieun’s hand in return, almost just as tight. she couldn’t care less for the pressure squeezing into her veins. she was plunged into brooding, wondering whether this sudden confession would make her despise the friend all in all.
she hated liars. she had been a victim to many of them. she had victimized many others as well, and she hated herself for doing so. which was the reason for her silence at the mention of it, knowing she might not want to forgive her but at the same time wishing it needn’t come to that. fingers squeezed after hers, and more silence with only her eyes communicating with the friend.
how bad could it be anyway?
the sarcasm earned an inward laughter from jennie. they at least were right up the same alley with their sense of humor; dark and slightly dry. she can appreciate and acknowledge that little by little they were getting somewhere in this game of getting to know each other. “leastwise it’s efficient. you have to give them that.” she mentioned with a smile still lingering before her gaze followed along the crowd that faded as their steps continued closer and closer to the building. no one seemed to go after them, not deliberately anyway. oh how she wished every crowd could exercise the same behavior wherever she went.
it then shifted to the surroundings that she attempted to get familiar with. attentive to the words of the acquaintance who walked in front of her, she uttered a closed-lip sound of agreement, or rather a simple recognition as ambiguous and non-committal as responses could go when you’re not quite decided on what to say just yet. she found herself shopping online for the best of her freer days, owing to the lack of privacy she now felt burdened by entailing her career choice, so she couldn’t really say for sure she would have the time to visit the place even if she wanted to.
jennie bowed to jungah out of common courtesy for opening the door, and out of habit as well, hand on her chest as she stepped past the doors. it was weird being in the kind of environment. she hadn’t been in a school setting for a while. at least not one where she went in as just jennie, not the one from blackpink; not the jennie that had been scheduled to do a photoshoot, or the jennie that had to film for a music video inside a university. “the dean?” she laughed again, a little more blithe. she felt funny but she didn’t laugh because she found this all hilarious. she did feel she had lucked out that jungah disputed it a good time to meet before jennie herself could refuse. “yeah, maybe another time.” keyword, maybe. she was at peace at the thought that she visited as a regular person ready to learn from one of the school’s students.
eyes widened at the same time her eyebrows became raised. the question was a bit odd to hear. anyone she knew assumed she didn’t, perhaps with the thought that celebrity life was hectic enough as it is to handle anything more. though she could delude herself into thinking the older just didn’t undermine her capacity to greater extents. after all, she was an excelled student during the time she was focused on academics and the promise of success in another dictated career.
“it’s fine,” she replied absentmindedly, unintentionally dismissing the question amid her distraction with the succeeding set of speech. she didn’t really have a choice or a say in the matter. “from the looks of it, i don’t think they would bother us. would they?” in the brief walk to the studio, she had made observations. she could vouch for this in her own little experience as well. the same way she felt urged to follow along, the rest of the people seemed to sense the aura jungah exuded. she thought it was enough to keep them away. “i don’t go to school anymore, by the way. i plan to stick to my career now.” she said it then before it slips her meanwhile walking to the nearest station she had set her eyes on. “so, where do we start?”
start of the line, @baskuiat.
in time, she’ll be glad for this professor disappearing. for giving her a hard time out of all the students who seem to take the class as a joke. physical education really isn’t one to prioritize, mirae would argue and it was unjust that he should act as if it should be. but this wasn’t the day that she leaps for joy to see someone else in their office. it was like an episode from a series. an unknown, suspicious character, most likely masked, taking the place of another. she watches too much fantasy to actually believe this could be a harmful encounter.
for a precaution, the stapler atop the desk finds its way in her grip, both hands at that as she slowly approaches the unfamiliar figure whose back was turned on her. “w-who are you? what did you do to the professor?!” she feigns courage but it couldn’t cover for her wavering tone.
it was right out of the same old playbook; dehumanize, destabilize, antagonize, offer an easy solution: always war. that was how the psychopaths ruled and even knowing their strategies never helped. it is human nature to think ourselves smarter, or that a situation is different than another. even the children of the enemy were characterized as future criminals of the worst kind. is there anything worse than reducing the humanity of a child? the battle was always promised to be short. and then those who were schooled on the horrors of the current war began the next.
under the chill of the mist that spread over the village, young mirae fumbled her footing and the hold of her sharp-edged blood. one look at her parents who had fallen and she does the unthinkable. one strike, a violent noise cracked into the startled air, and she did not need to look around to know that she had been surrounded; her kin turning against her and her turning into a beast small in size but lethal to whoever came near, nothing more than a vessel filled with murderous intent.
for the while that she had been taught to fight, of which was her entire childhood, she only ever did so in the honor of her family who she would come to know isn’t hers at the end of it all. she had grown to love it, no matter how much her morals deny. the glory of knowing she was a savior and she could be a better one in the years to come. it reaches its finale in a single night. since then, her comfort in the deed and the duty was defined by the state of being in the moments when she isn’t being emotionally ripped apart.
he never really asked her to state what it was, did he? “yes, there is. there is something that i stopped doing, even though i loved it.” once.
she was aware what gifts she can share to the world. there are things people would like to see, hear, and feel from her. she was an artist even then, regardless of what she did, because the world wants her craft. and though cooped up in her academics, she does not plan on denying the world of this craft.
it was the fear that pushed her. the fear that her life would have followed a direction that her heart felt opposed to. the fear that she wouldn’t reach the happiest place on earth once she had made the decision to course through what was expected of her. this fear was stronger than the uncertainty of whether her dreams were going to come true or not. because she knew it would if she tried. she was always good at anything she set herself to.
some are afraid to take the risk, too timid to make the first move. in the end they choose to continue living in a daydream. undeniably, she too was afraid.
that kind of fear manifested into tears which had rawness to it, like the shame was an open wound. she clasped onto her phone, trying to stifle the sobs but then it was for naught as she had been overcome by the wave of her emotions, all her defenses washed away in those salty tears. and in her throat was an uproar in a form of a silent scream tearing through. it exhausted her, choked her up without a sign of stopping.
on the other line, her mother spoke in the tone of worry, over and over asking what was wrong, all of which jennie answered with hiccups in between sniffs and heaving sobs. it was a sight she wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see, let alone hear. the reason for her call coming in the dead of the night was this. when it was quiet and dark, it was okay. no one had to carry her burden, no one had to pity her for heavily taking the task as a complicated tale of woe.
“i’m sorry.” she said once, then twice, voice trembling the more she repeated the words. the thought of saying she wanted to pursue something she loved was swell, but not the part that she had to disappoint her parents in the process. it went something along the lines of “i can’t be the teacher or the lawyer you wanted me to be.” however she truly said it, she didn’t want to remember after that day. for the time being that she was bound by studies, she excelled while dreaming of the life that awaited her. she had envisioned the same effort on everything, whether it was college entrance exams, an office job, or an audition to a prestigious agency.
she wasn’t just lucky, however, because the rest was history and at present stands the group blackpink. she wasn’t just lucky. she is a girl who followed a destiny she laid squarely in her own hands. now as a performer, no one would think a better brand on her other than a star.
the future had always been something she worried about. uncertain if it was because of her young mind and lack of wisdom, she never gave much thought to all the time that was enclosed in her life into only a small speck in a timeline. everything was made up in plans, until time had begun to dissolve into itself, as shapeless as the rain. and it becomes irrelevant as it tricks her. there were limits to the shift of time. backwards only worked as far as the present day, as if the continuum was chopped right off. she has been here before and yet she couldn’t pinpoint how she knew. it was a gut feeling, but one not strong enough to diminish what she continues to feel the same. even so, it was like sitting on a moving dot that can only jump forwards and backwards, to and fro. and it only deepens her desire to let go of it all.
waking up that time was no longer the pleasure it usually was. there was a fleeting moment when she was whole again, every thought in high definition, but it evaporated faster than summer rain off the burnt earth. then her lids that were drooping and leaden with sleep snapped open, hand blindly searching from her phone buried among the sheets. an expression takes the shape of unease and she was left too dumbfounded to fathom what the message she had received really meant. she ignored it but it does well in preventing her from trying to fall back asleep. anyone told by someone that their future has been foretold would have been kept up pondering about it as well. it doesn’t bother her too much just yet, what with the drowsiness that remains lingering and cutting across logical thinking, traversing a space through her conscious mind.
instead she ambles through the halls of the dorm, fingers gliding through the walls languidly as if in attempt to keep her balance steady. kuma greets her with a nudge on the leg and a muffled whine. it was this moment, stricken with epiphany, that she had started to completely focus on what was present. preparing his food reminded her of what she was about to leave behind. but she was at a point of dissociation, overwhelmed despite her otherwise sound mental functions. hollowness that was a shell, holding in an ocean of tears. it had grown heavy inside of her and for canning all of it, she had been wrong.
no one else could see it. she didn’t want anyone having to other than herself, and so she had to carry it around. it was always over her, casting its shadow on her life. it was hung by a thin thread, too fragile to hold something so heavy. most of the time she didn’t know what caused the thread to finally break, releasing the weight on her. it fell too fast, and before she could run she would be pinned down. it crushed her ribs, made it hard for her to breathe. a cry for help was of no use. no one else could see it; the weight that had been slowly crushing her to death.
might as well have it ring true.
moments of contemplation led her to the same message from her rising, pushing aside the dominant emotion that has seeped into her pores, traveled to her heart whose beating had become morose, and controlled her entire being. the shutdown that was slowly taking over her mind had been stalled. the part of her that wished for the sun had an expectation to the response to her unspoken signal of distress. then, no matter how unfamiliar jaehyung was to her, he had successfully awakened her spirit of inquiry. fingers tapped frantically through the keypad, typographical errors visible in almost each word. but she couldn’t care less.
[ sms → 박제형 ] who??? jae as in ?? formm got7?
the other name typed in gave her that thought. apart from the pile of emotions that had placed jennie’s state into overdrive, slumber continued to cling onto her which had resulted into a mix up where ‘hyung’ and 'bum’ looked to be similar to each other in jennie’s eyes. she hadn’t spoken much to both males, after all. she squints, at the message and only the message, completely ignoring that the name was clearly saved as another name.
[ sms → 박제형 ] heol……… srory!!!!!!!!!!!!
what could be so important?
[ sms → 박제형 ] imporatnt? dont 'waste my time…
[ sms → 박제형 ] what am i gunna do, huh??
[ sms → 박제형 ] did anyone tell you anythng??!!
the idea of it made her furious, even though it was self-inflicted. at that point, she was already spamming him with messages. a couple more lines that she could have simply typed in one. what’s more, each of them were filled with hostility albeit unintended but the feeling only ever surfaced when his prediction came true. amidst her furious typing, a message came through. jackson - the contact name read. naturally, jennie took it as a prank. they planned it. of course, they did. it was the most plausible explanation, especially as they knew each other well more than her who considered herself the third party in all this. however, she was left with another question. why? for what reason would they want or need to?
[ sms → 박제형 ] you are crayzy….
[ sms → 박제형 ] why are you doing this?!
[ sms → 박제형 ] who are oyu?
[ sms → 박제형 ] what can you do??
she took a breath to calm her senses and put away her phone just within a hand’s reach. her shaky fingers finally came to a stop after running restlessly through her tousled hair. she bit down on her lip, trying not to burst into tears that she attempts to relieve with an exasperated sigh. this was not going to help, it was not going to change anything. who would have though texting could be exhausting? it is for anyone bombarded with irrational revelations on top of their overwhelming dejection. she takes in a temporary calm, finally typing out as carefully as she could.
[ sms → 박제형 ] alright deal. i will meet you first. get to our company building in 20. if you’re not there by then, i’ll be gone. i won’t wait around so be there, okay? okay.
please, be there.
despite the fact that summer break had begun, jaehyun was focused on projects that the upcoming semester would entail and researching a variety of different companies that he may possibly carry out the first steps of his career with. aside from school and career related affairs, his (debatable) independence from his family also meant he had to prove he was making a living for himself somehow. though, in that sense, he was fortunate enough to have a friend willing to hire him without much question.
thus, with his increasingly hectic schedule, leaving people “on read” had become the norm, while quick responses were uncommon. whenever he had spare time, he was much too exhausted to socialize and in fact, preferred exercising or delving into films and documentaries that he couldn’t watch while working. rarely did he ever feel guilty for this habit of his, as he felt that people can easily find better things to do if he did not reply. he would feel more guilty about unmatched enthusiasm towards the conversation, so this was better for both parties, he’d argue.
however, this mindset did not seem to apply all that well when it came to a particular peanut he had befriended. jaehyun noticed himself checking his phone ー their message window, to be exact ー more often than he did with any other person, and wanting to reply as quickly as possible. when he could not do so, guilt would follow. he had no idea why such was the case with her. it was peculiar.. or as she would put it, “unpleasant.” even now, on his morning run (which he swears he prefers over socialization), the fact that she was probably left without a response from him was bothersome.
the course he decided to take that day eventually led to a path filled with street vendors and small shops. had it been any other day, a terse greeting to those who were working would have been given before he quickly paced away. but today, he stops. he’s reminded of her.
“hello, sajangnim.” a bow proceeds the greeting and his eyes briefly scan the display.
“getting something for your girlfriend?” the vendor asks, grinning from ear to ear.
“pardon? no… no. no, i don’t have a girlfriend. just a friend. girls like these things?”
“they do. these are the most popular. they like to decorate their bags with it. and room décor, too.”
“ah.. i see. but she wouldn’t like that design..” the last part is mumbled to himself.
after a while of picking up one thing and looking at another, he purchases a few that catch his eye, alongside a box to place them all into. jaehyun doesn’t care too much about the glances he’s been receiving for the past 30 minutes or so, but it probably was quite a sight. a grown man, buff and almost monstrous in comparison to the stature of the vendor, leaning down to look at tiny accessories on the baby pink display. but it was all (hopefully) worth it.
for a split second her joy was suspended, the surprise protecting her until it bursted into giddiness. the overwhelming kind that thaws down her utility to assess. mirae could have sworn the box by the door was for soeul, from one of her many admirers probably. because who wouldn’t want such a fine specimen. she knew it well since even her own friend had come to be one despite the lack of familiarity.
everything surprises mirae. that is the bonus of having low expectations, or in her case, having no expectations at all. people will surpass it with ease. she believed high expectations are just a one way ticket to resentment and she couldn’t live that way. in her perspective, everyone kinder than the average person who does things out of courtesy is an angel in disguise. however easily won over she may be, the thoughtfulness in the presents she had carefully yet, at the same time, excitedly put out on display opened up a lot of confusion.
first was, for what reason? mirae is naive, but inquisitive at the same time. she doesn’t rest until she finds out a concrete answer or figures out a solution to a problem. it couldn’t have been for simply being reminded of her. otherwise, she needed no bribe to consider someone her favorite company. why was he thinking of her in the first place?
and yet, the suggestion of romantic thoughts were the farthest things on the list she had fancied in her head. as much as anyone would wish from someone they admired, this was as a result to her lack of self-esteem. however so shall it stay put, a smile eternally stained upon her lips owing to the first set of gifts she had received in quite a while. a few years to count. the warmth of such harmonies, the swelling symphony that can mend any broken heart. all of which reaches the ears of anyone within close earshot, namely her dog and a couple of neighbors who had stayed within the quarters for the summer, just like her despite not being enrolled for the current term.
she closes her eyes and savors the moment, but never releasing her grip on the seemingly of moment treasures very specific to her liking. how he knows her passion for plants, her adoration for cats, and her high revere for the preaching of happiness.
happiness is a peanut.
how simple that may be, all of it, actually, she remained blown away.
none of these questions she could really ask him upfront. she was too shy, and too grateful to be prying. nonetheless, she’s confounded and at a loss of how to truly, properly express her feelings to him. plopped down on the bed, legs folded, weight to her knees, and her thumb a victim to the harsh nibbling of her teeth, she ponders over the items lined up in front of her. maybe making a short poem could do…
scratch that.
it’d be awful. she was no good in it. neither was she confident enough to let a terrible one see the light of day. she’d better join the literary club quick and learn. the next thing she does was respond to soeul, sharing the details, then asking for any kind of advice. the friend does deliver, though no matter how efficient they all seemed to sound, she refuses to follow. a message it is. and perhaps… an invitation. hopefully despite his busy schedule, he agrees.