After giving out the presents she’s brought with her; from ugly sweaters one for each family member and headbands fit for the holiday, everything was puppies and unicorns. She did realize she’d gone overboard with her gifts just from Hanbin’s alone and doubled up as she looks at her attempt to impress as a collective, but it was because of how overwrought she was about the sudden invitation.
She wasn’t prepared to meet his parents. Especially in such short notice, literally mentioned the day before. She hadn’t supposed such a warm welcome simply because of her slight inclination to skepticism, so the outcome exceeding her expectations left her in that given overjoyed bliss. Even more so when receiving the warm hug and small kiss from her lover’s dongsaeng, who previously thought of her as a member of iKON. On top of that, she receives a gift personally from his parents. How thoughtful it was kept her in jovial spirits.
This must be what they call a soft Christmas, she thinks. Having spent her last few years of Christmases away from family, there was the teeniest part of her that felt uneasy. Change is good, but it’s also hard. Just as she thought she’s overwhelmed enough, the gifts he’s promised earlier that day come presented to her. First it was a simple bag that he’d put thought into, making sure she found it useful. Big deal, because everything he’s ever given to her served great purpose. All of them were put to use. And it was him; she couldn’t deny the bias she’s grown to have over his gifts, simply because they were from him.
What comes next was something she hadn’t envisioned to ever happen anytime soon. She imagines it showed through her very transparent expression, her cat-like features painting a face of surprise with a gasp preceding it; the wide eyes, the eyebrows raised as far as they could stretch, and the slight drop of her jaw. The sight of the ring box set her off a cascade of complex emotions, many of which were about taking a huge step into adulthood. A profound transition.
She remembers vividly agreeing to him asking her permission for him to drop the question sooner than the fifteen years they’d planned but she never thought it this soon. Regardless, the idea she had in mind was completely different. Perhaps at a place that has personal significance to the two of them or honestly, at the very moment that she was thinking this, at least somewhere that didn’t have his whole family’s attention centered on her. So while she’s celebrating the day itself then a possible start of an amazing new life with the man she loves, she gives herself permission to spend a minute or two reflecting on the one she’s about to leave behind.
Quick pause to all the big planning, she ponders again. She was jumping the gun with her conclusions. Was that really what’s about to come? She breathes. He hands the box to her instead of opening it up.
“I just thought it would look good on you.” He says.
The pearls that formed the crown’s foundation and the brilliant diamond at the center blinds her momentarily before she falls into a small fit of laughter. She felt a little stupid. Maybe a bit more than a little for thinking that far. This is why she values him being the character that lives in the moment. To complement the human version of a planner that she is, destined for misery of timelines that she meticulously adheres to. She could feel her face burning from embarrassment, though she doesn’t mention just yet the thoughts she had racing in her mind in that brief moment.
“It’s beautiful.” She simply says as she covers half of her face with one hand, trying to hide the blush that was creeping up her cheeks. She sighs, mostly in relief before giving him that classic stare of awe. Yet she feels a bit too shy to utter the three words that usually follows after in the presence of his parents. Instead, she gives him the tightest hug she had given in a while. “I love it. Thank you.” She whispers, eyes closed as she basks in his warmth. She pulls away, putting on the ring that fit perfectly into her finger. She smiles at it before looking back at him once again as she greets him.
“Merry Christmas.”
to @1konic ♡
As you arrive at the apartment, you open the door and become greeted with a surprise from your beautiful girlfriend clad in a red high-waist mini skirt and a white off-shoulder top, black converse shoes, and over it a bomber jacket. The motif was Mickey Mouse. It’s corny, true. But don’t judge, it’s for you.
She bounces up, emerging from her hiding place with hands waving in the air and a cake in front of her. It’s not a big cake. It’s just that one tiny cake with a miniature version of yourself (with the beanie on to cover the precious hair you’ve been trying to keep a secret) pushed down on top of it along with a couple of candles. She sings happy birthday while she puts icing on your cheek, right where your dimple is as it’s summoned. There’s a feast behind her along with a bucket of champagne. She prepared it all for this special day. The food might be a little cold now but she’ll warm it up with her smile and a few more surprises.
When the last strain of “happy birthday to you” ends — which she changes the lyrics to “happy birthday bee-aing” — and you blow the candles out on the tiny customized birthday cake she bought you, do you actually make a wish? What is it? If you look at her expectant eyes, she’s conveying the hopefulness over the notion that it’s something she can give you. But her gaze filling up with determination and her taking your hand means something more like ‘It doesn’t matter if it’s not because I’m going to make you as happy as you can be today’.
She pulls you to the window and shows you the bus your fans prepared for your birthday. And she knows how much you love your fans from how your eyes sparkle whenever you see them. The bus has an advertisement for your birthday; a picture of you and a slogan spread out its entire exterior. So cute, it’s in pastel colors. On the picture, you’re wearing the flower crown she absolutely loves seeing on you. How did she know about this? Did she cooperate with the fans? Not exactly. But she’s your conscious partner that looked for signs. She did her homework, checked for the bus departure times, and asked a few favors here and there as discreetly as possible. She’s just your girlfriend that wants to make this annual celebration grand and… maybe a bit overboard.
Now that you’ve seen that, what do you think? Please don’t be overwhelmed because that’s not all. Not yet. In fact, that’s not even part of her gift for you. That’s just her showing off how your fans carefully planned for today as much as she did. She’s going to prep you up for a little tour. She ushers you to the front door and urges you put on your jacket. Wait, the icing on your cheek. The same one she put on you. She wipes it off your face with her finger and licks it off. Gross. But cute, too? She’s a little embarrassed, honestly. That’s why she presses her forehead against your arm as she quells her burning cheeks. Then she assists you and hands you a mask to add on for a simple disguise. Look, you already have a hat on. Perfect! It’s almost complete. For the final touch, she pulls out a pin (a badge as she likes to call it) which says “certified legend” in print. She has one, too, to match with you but she puts it away for now because this is your day. You’re the true, one and only legend.
Then she takes you out for a small trip to the subway station. There you find an array of pictures lined against the walls, lights outlining posters all plastered with a happy birthday sign or message. Once again from the fans. She’s just there next to you, smiling and giggling to herself. She’s thinking about how good-looking you are. And she says so out loud, though not loud enough. More like a whisper that was barely audible. It’s done deliberately because she knows you’ll protest even if she’s insisted so many times. Which doesn’t frustrate her, if you must know. The most she ends up with is a sigh and a shake of the head, and the thought that says, ‘When will you acknowledge the work of art that you are?’
You leave the place. She’s in a bit of a hurry because there’s something really important that you have to do with her and she’s excitedly impatient for it. She’s practically skipping back to the apartment. Although before you go back inside, she stops you in your tracks. She has that devious smile on her face. She’s like Dora the Explorer or maybe Doraemon with her purse packed with items. She takes out one thing, though she doesn’t reveal right away what it is. Instead, look over there. You see that small bump on the ground? That’s the site she prepared.
At the exact spot you two were standing on, she leans over. She gestures for you to do the same. What’s in her hand was a small burlapped tree. Yes, you’re planting a tree together. Just a small one. But remember, this is a lifelong investment. You’re about to celebrate a whole baby cycle of being together, just a little more push. You want a child with her? This is symbolism for that. A new tree, a new life. For now, as Yooru waits for umma Jennie and appa Hanbin, this is your ‘baby’. Give it a name!
It’s the fall season. A little after the leaves drop, a little before the bud-break, and weather conditions are cool which allow for plants to establish their roots. She takes the small wooden shovel stuck on the ground nearby and merely pushes aside the soil to uncover the shallow, broad hole that’s been previously dug to the proper depth. Now you have to do this. Place in the tree. She offers some scissors to cut away the wire basket. Don’t forget to leave some of its flare exposed. The roots need their oxygen to develop. Lastly, mulch the base of it. And then you’re done! Please, please, please take care of this tree. It’s not just your ‘baby’, it’s also a representation of longevity. And this is in honor of you. She has a certificate ready and she flashes it to you as soon as you finish, brush yourself off, and stand up. How does it feel contributing to nature?
Now back inside, you think it’s over? No, no, no. Not just yet! Of course… there’s the material gifts because your girlfriend is a chaebol. She could have saved the money instead because surely, with how famous you are, you have a pile of gifts from fans waiting for you. Or maybe you’ve seen them already. Do you really think she cares, though? She’s stubborn and she won’t hesitate to give you the world. She might as well give you the universe if you already have the world.
She’s trying to communicate with her eyes, her gaze saying ‘don’t scold me for spending so much, please!’ because what’s one day in a year anyway? It’s already bordering into an entire wardrobe. Blame it partly on how she kept in mind that you usually buy yourself cheap things, she wanted to spoil you this time. Then there’s the impulse while she was shopping, which you know about very well… but she explains she didn’t buy it all in one go, don’t worry. This is accumulated riches. And accumulated for your birthday and your 8th month together. In the many bags laid out in the room where she hid them, the same room you make many memories with her, you find:
In one separate box bigger than the rest, you find a cheaper set of clothes and items to fulfill a DIY costume which would be useful for the upcoming season of Halloween (trust her, these ones were way cheaper): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.
You’re right. This is a lot. But this is her trying to surpass your fans and your friends and everyone in your life like the overachiever that she is. She really just thinks you deserve it all. So, you know she’s not very confident about her lyrics, right? Probably because someone superior in position told her they’re not ‘title-track worthy’ but guess what? She made another song for you.
It’s very messy in arrangement because, let’s be real, she’s not as good as you are. Plus it’s been done in a rush between schedules and other duties, especially with how hectic everything has been for her; the rigorous back to training dynamics from song production, recordings, choreography plus photo shoots and interviews to top it all off. She wants to give it her time, give you her time, but there’s very little of it so she squeezes in the most unobtrusive gift she could think of. She was just writing lyrics in the studio. No one would ever suspect it’s for something else, right? Please listen attentively, Kim Hanbin! It’s a song from the heart and especially made for you!
She presses play on the beat and has her eyes glued to her phone where the lyrics (password is the other word for today with a ‘3′ instead of ‘e’) are but contrary-wise to that, she knows it by heart. It’s just half a song, after all. Really, she’s just shy. According to a friend that helped, she’s too much of a perfectionist that she doesn’t realize when the things she create are good. This counts as one. Despite all the timidness in her attitude, her voice doesn’t falter. She sings it with ease and exactly how you remember her rapping and singing. Don’t fall asleep, though. There’s more things in store.
“Last but not least…“ she does a countdown from 3 with her fingers. Each count, she nods along to with eyes rounded up. Right at the end of it, she presses down a gentle kiss on your lips. A brief one then proceeds to take your hands in hers as she speaks. “You’re fortunate to have great family genes because you seem to look younger and I thank your dad for not wearing a condom and making you with your mom. My future father and mother in law are super cool. Jokes. But anyway… don’t count backwards! Think of this as the first day of your life. Look at all your goals in the previous year and see where you are now, the areas you’ve improved on, and all the limitless possibilities there is ahead of you. You know what, I don’t think you’re still on the road to becoming a legend. You are a legend, and I’m really, really, really proud.” She ends it with a genuine and tight hug; tight enough that you have a hard time breathing.
“You’re a boy worth Hamming for…” she pauses and loosens the hug to look at you. “Okay, that was bad. But… happy birthday, Kim Hanbin.”
Generally recognized as mentally constipated or a perfectionist, she refuses to move on from one thing to the next until the first had been mercilessly flailed. Her quirky method of working does its job best in the way that suits her. Primarily, it consisted the bulk of her time spent lavishly refining her craft which was why whenever there’s even the littlest fault, she dashes off to criticize herself.
They had debuted, finally. The 12th of August marks the first ever music show pre-recording they’re shooting. Something she had been waiting years for. It’s no joke with the horde of fans’ cheers echoing across the studio and it’s almost unbelievable that it had come to this. This much support when they had quite a number of odds stacked up against them. No known variety shows, no appearances in years (apart from the sporadic activities their maknae and her unnie would get), promises broken along with plenty other setbacks that had affected mainly those who were surrounding them as a group and yet they’ve been blessed with such a boosting crowd.
Nervousness was a given and she admits she’s shaking down to her marrow. She remembers her previous stages in vivid detail; how shaky her stance were, her stiff expressions, the times she’d struggle to find which camera to make contact with, all while sharing the stage with someone as prestigious as her senior G-Dragon. She was well aware she had improved and had gone far off from the awkward presence — not that she’ll ever say out loud and brag about. Many people could attest to this, otherwise she wouldn’t be here.
It shows in the first take, even more so in the ones that followed. This is those six years all coming in fruition and her team doesn’t fall short on her skills. These are the same three girls she had been rooting for, the same girls who had been an essential part of her lifestyle, the girls she treats as family. And when you have the kind of family that never disappoints, you’ll only want to keep up or do even better. When you have people expecting a lot from what you have up your sleeve, you’ll only want to exceed them. With pressure comes an influence to one’s performance.
One moment, she’s unexpectedly crashing down on the ground. It goes by fast yet slow, almost suspended. The fall earns a loud gasp from the audience and in the midst of pain that became too much to bear, her whimpering sounds through the microphone. A staff comes running towards her while she puts away the device that hovered close to the face that she initially tried to cover. Jisoo comes in the background trying to assist the man that picked her up from the floor and she could hear her crying.
The physical pain translates into guilt. Had she been more careful, the only tears her unnie would shed were of joy, and none of the fans would have been held up waiting for them to finish their performance. She felt sorry, but that alone wouldn’t help the situation.
She’d asked the staff to deliver a message to the fans; that she was okay, she’ll be back, and there was nothing to worry about. Not even that puts her at ease. She thought it injustice to the fans that came to see them do well, and be well, if she were to sit throughout the performance like the staff suggested. The Jennie thing to do was to insist, and she does so relentlessly. She had to perform or all of it would be put to waste. By all, she meant absolutely everything and not in the way that was selfish. Yet her state tells otherwise. And so to no avail, she’s even more cornered into a hospital visit.
Rushed to the emergency room, she goes. At the time, she’s thinking there was nothing to fuss about. She protests, ‘It’s just a swollen foot!’ which of course, leads her still to a little chat with the doctor. This is where the acting comes to play, but Jisoo was indeed the actress of the team for a reason. She believes she owes her effective show for being let off with pain killers and she’s an abiding patient that takes them right away to reassure everyone that she was okay.
A trooper’s got to be out there and so she’s back. The studio uplifts at her entrance and what way to display her immediate (yet temporary) recovery but the effort of her legs. She jumps around in all smiles to show it off.
The saying holds truth, the show must go on. Thanks to the painkillers, no one could even tell the incident happened just moments ago. This is what the fans have come for and this is what she’ll show. Not an injury can stop her, this is what she’s worked hard for.
The letter was unexpected as well as the tears that it instantly brings in her eyes, those of which she tried to suppress as much as she could, giving her a headache in the middle of the day. She’d have to deal with that for hours on a typical long day. Preparations made her much more busy than she normally was and it made for friends feeling neglected.
It was all speculation. Perhaps she was turning into her very own fans that she’d monitor on her spare time; the spare time she feels guilty about now, regretting that she could have been allocating such to giving attention to people and things that mattered more rather than the subconscious security for the criticism she was constantly wary of. It couldn’t be helped. Negativity seemed to trail behind wherever she went despite her every attempt to be optimistic. Though, she knew well enough the first thing she should be trying to do was avoid the feedback that wasn’t in her favor. Of all traits she had, however, what stood out was her stubbornness while envy comes a close second. Everyday she fought with such qualities. She was always at war with her thoughts, her actions — herself.
She would ask herself, does she really owe anything to these people? The answer was always yes. Grateful. That’s what she was of them and she expressed it openly as opposed to the normalcy of her emotions being concealed, sometimes from even those she trusted the most.
Somehow, a part of her resented the very people who held it against her no matter how close they were. And they were the closest. For that reason, the animosity grew stronger. She didn’t like questioning if debut would bring her fulfillment. Six years of waiting isn’t a joke and the fact that it slipped into her mind bothered her even more. It wasn’t just the wait. It was years of hard work and true pain. Members, or rather friends, leaving left and right. She kept justifying it over and over. Finally, she finds something to back it up. The validation for the spite she had been holding onto.
She reads it a second time. A third. This is exactly why, for the person who was always the voice of reason for many, someone has to be for her. Except the closest she had to that was the same person who told her off unintentionally.
“It’s worth the wait,” she chants. “It has to be.”
“maybe when the chance happens again.” he said that! and it worries her how much he was contemplating such things but sure, she understands. she had her own curiosity fed and if he wanted to explore, there was no taking away that kind of indulgence.
thoughts dissipate into excitement, stricken by panic at the same time, when the call she had been waiting for all night finally comes. she hadn’t been this nervous before talking to her parents but she bursts into a string of laughter once she’s greeted by at least four minutes of a shaky camera with her mother fixing the angle and in the background was their voices, fussing over how it should be done. this wasn’t the first time with a camera but it certainly had been a while.
she wasn’t proud of that. she wanted to call them often if she could but she never knew what to say to them whenever she did and the last time she did, she was being her typical spoiled self asking to cover for expenses which was given undoubted.
it’s something to be grateful but a part of her was hoping there were questions. she wanted to tell them why, what for, who the gift would be for. that way, it’ll be easier to share what she had been meaning to.
awkward silences. the main component of their calls.
it’s mother’s day, so of course she greets her lovely mother that which was accepted with awe in the form of an exclamation, followed by the endearing call for her. daughter. she liked hearing it in her voice. she misses it. she just didn’t know how to admit it and express it in front of them very much, not unless it’s initiated on the other end. she asks them, “how did you spend today?” and the most she’d spoken of was work and only a minute’s worth mentioning what they’d done to celebrate the holiday. there was laughter in the background regardless and it warms her heart.
“oh, I see.” it was all she could respond, still wary of the news she had been waiting to tell. there was silence again until it’s broken by the question, “what about you, darling?” but for the sake of filling them in on the rest of her life, she talks about training on a good light. she doesn’t want them to worry as much as possible. she knew they were even when they didn’t say so. she talks about her friends too, all the people that took care of her in place of them other than herself.
in the midst of them talking amongst each other, she thinks and chants to herself. how? how subtle could she be about it? she doesn’t budge straight away and she continues to talk of all the relevant people. finally, there’s a hint. over how close she was to a certain person. she thinks that this way, there was room for their feedback without its bias. then came the teasing which somehow relieves her. and this is how they think. father jumps right in to instigate and insistently get a name out of her. for a moment, she thinks of him as an owl with the hoots. she tries to whine her way out of the predicament but that wasn’t going to cut it, they all knew that.
she shares a name at last. mother says, “what a pretty name!” now dad starts to fuss about and the questions come flooding. it brings about strings of nervous laughter from jennie and it only gets worse when they mention about a visit to korea. this is the time she panics, sending a text to her lover about the surprising news. it was brought up in the past but she knew with how busy they were, it wasn’t about to truly happen. six years is a long time. six years would have been forever to anyone else, even to her if she wasn’t occupied at all.
“oh yeah, show me who this punk is.” the playful words meant for sheer jest gets her sighing deeply. in cure, her mother pulls her spouse away from a one and one talk with her daughter.
the atmosphere becomes tense. she’d seen this coming so once in for all, she says it. “i’m dating him.” again, silence.
she tries to brush it off with one word but the anxiety was diminished as soon as a small laugh escapes her mother. encouraging words follow suit and she sighs out in relief. she keeps tight lipped about the topic regardless. she wasn’t sure if it was all out of consideration. her parents did that often and she’d feel bad. how can she have such wonderful figures in her life when she was lacking in every aspect? in exchange for such words, she’s giving a petulant complaint but it’s interrupted with the question if she wanted to inform her father as well. she easily nods, albeit slowly, but then she asks, “you think it’s okay?” which gets her a short answer of ‘sure’.
how is that supposed to help? she waits anxiously and when he comes into view, she gets a mini heart attack. silence, for the nth time. she takes her time with the news whilst her dad gives her an impatient, “yes?”
she hated having to repeat herself. she gets this from who else but her own father but whenever someone was more than her, surpassing her, she would have to go down a level. compromise, compromise. and so she says it.
silence. an endless essence of the event.
she was developing boldness at this point amidst his fussing so she expresses herself. “i want you to meet him.” he doesn’t stop there, however. he goes on and on, talking about thunder and lightning, bringing a bat, so on and so forth. she whines once again, then she talks sweet. there was a charm to whenever she did it because it somehow worked in her favor. it never fails to. there were no exceptions to this. it worked on everyone she knew. or most.
“when we get there… this summer.”
it’s excitement rather than anxiety now and it’s tenfold with how accepting they were of the news she thought would give them shock coupled with anger more than anything. she shares this news to the person in account. she’s already celebrating it, thinking through the things that could be done while her parents were lecturing her which comes in one ear and out the other. she says ‘okay’ to the ones that she’d caught, breaking reverie to take note of the reminders they were giving. she keeps those at least, as they were important and she simply agrees to everything.
the clock read 3:24 on monday morning. 6:24 in new zealand. it took them about two hours which satisfies her. it has been a while, it only served right to take that long. she ends the call with another greeting and reminders of her own as well.
with three lines of the three words, they hang up. she stays on the line listening to the feedback; her features that were tired from the day remained embellished with an evident grin.
that wasn’t so bad, after all.
Why fear this moment?
She resists this perspective because she wanted realization to look a certain way. She wanted it the way she had read about it when even she knew every experience to be a unique jewel of one’s multifaceted being.
While there was freedom in an infinite dimension, it’s only added up by very human ones. A collective; poured into a soul. What it was right now naturally felt big and small. Somewhere in between. Desperately, she looks over her shoulder once then in the end cause, pushes past.
Because denial was always easier.
she couldn’t quite help but think about it. doubts have always been at her side. that’s the trouble with loving a wild thing: you’re always left watching the door.
june 2015.
aren’t you too similar? you wonder if that meant anything at all, saying ‘right’ to most, if not everything that he says. it doesn’t sink in at first because this was normal. relating to someone else was normal to some degree. except relating to someone that you used to envy causes a lot of conflicting thoughts. but he’s so nice, isn’t he? you wonder what makes him so. and you try to be more like that. more like him. because you think he’s a version of you. a better one.
july 2015.
so finally, something distracts you. rather someone strays you away from the straight path you’ve been walking on for years. it upsets you, naturally. this wasn’t supposed to happen. it wasn’t part of the 'life plan’ that you set for yourself. you mope around about it and even loathe over yourself. you thought maybe if you shut up about it, you won’t think about it as much anymore. you can’t help it, can you? it’s even harder because he talks to you. in a way that makes you think it’s possible. somewhere, somehow — something is.
august 2015.
now that you accept it, you think of ways of telling. you’re so willing that you’d take the risk even if it was your first time confessing to someone. your first time doing so without being sure what he felt for you. but you thought he would like you back, didn’t you? that’s why when he gave you a ‘no’, you were seething with rage. you start to despise him slowly then, yet he still hugs you and you’re dumbfounded again, thinking this was the work of the devil. there was nothing you could do with all that anger so you suppressed it. suppressed it until the tragedy was over. suppressed so much that you turned it onto yourself. now you owe the biggest apology to yourself because no one’s been crueler than you’ve ever been to you.
september 2015.
this was his reason. it was the very same one as yours. was it really the reason? you were never really told straight, just regarded as a friend. he’s out there now doing his best and oddly enough, you want exactly that for him. just the best. even if you’re just on the sidelines, which wasn’t your thing. you were hungry for the fame. you wanted to be up there instead of him. but that changed, right? you wanted to be up there with him. that, or cheering from the front row seats. you’re so proud. you’re witnessing him immersed in his passion and it’s the most wonderful thing. so you watch him even if it hurts a little, or a lot. of course, it hurts a lot. you just like to convince yourself until it feels real and you hated when that didn’t work out.
october 2015.
“why him?” they ask. you ask them back instead of answer because you didn’t really know why, but you think the real question was supposed to be, “why anyone else when he exists?” and you believed that for so long. he was so beautiful to you, you were satisfied just watching him do even the simplest things. you were happy hearing him talk and his voice made you weak. it still does. it’s even worse now than then.
november 2015.
it’s the same questions but this time, there’s more that’s bothering you and keeping you up at night. why is he so blue? you can’t help but worry. like a part of you was shattered. like your soul was connected to his and hurting as well. but you don’t know what it is. he won’t tell you. he kept saying, one day. one day. and you wait for it even when you’re so impatient. even when you’re burdened yourself. even after getting rejected and having to live with your greatest fear on your bedside, like your new best friend. you’re left wondering. what could be so wrong? is it something you can fix? can’t he let you fix it? does he want anyone else to fix it? does he want you to fix it? does he want you? the answer is still a no.
december 2015.
somehow it’s different again and the hopes are building up. anticipation. for a minute, you thought what was troubling him had something to do with you. you wished. you could only do as much as that anyway. you disappoint yourself over and over, as if it wasn’t enough what you received from the constant stones thrown at you by everyone and everything else. do you really hate yourself this much? so much that you couldn’t spend christmas being thankful?
january 2016.
it’s time you finally pick yourself up, it’s a new beginning. you’re feeling a lot more hopeful this time around. and that’s even more fueled because he pours his heart out into a gift that you’re melting again. he does one thing and you’re back at it. back at it again like a damn martyr. it all piles up. he makes you feel special. but are you really? or was it because he was lonely? lonely, still. lonely, and now you find out why. you were just a speck of dust in his life all along. the “friend” he always hung out with. whoever said the truth shall set you free lied. everyone lies. even him, the purest thing in your eyes. but you’d do anything for him, just face it. you’d even let him kill you. and you did.
february 2016.
a time off was only for the best, wasn’t it? yet you’re hurling balls of fire at practically anyone. meaner without him, kinder around him. all because you couldn’t get what you want. you’re so used to getting what you want and it’s the same reason you haven’t given up. you’re pushing your luck and you’re not listening even to your own advice. you’re so stubborn, when will you learn? maybe someday — most likely never. because now you have a reason. but you’re worried, even more now. you have many flaws you’re afraid he’ll see. you’re greedy, jealous, insecure, crude, obnoxious, overbearing: a handful, a pain in the ass. what happened to the concept of loving yourself that you used to firmly believe? he looks at you like no one ever has. like you’re the most perfect thing in the universe. you don’t know what he sees but you accept it because he does, and all you’ve ever wanted was for him see what you two can be.
march 2016.
“when he reassures you, listen to him. it’s okay to worry but listen to him.” even a friend knows better what to do than you who claims to know him best. what are you so afraid of? what is there to lose? you have him and he accepts you. you finally have him, even when a point came that you didn’t think it’d be possible. but because you’re scared, you put everything into what you have before it’s over. and you wish it’ll never be over yet you don’t know if forever was something to hold onto. you tell him you love him even when you’re terrified. you tell someone you love them for the very first time, like all first times shared with him. you tell not just someone, you tell him, and he asks you not to leave him. that alone gives you the idea that it should be. it will be. you’ll make it happen, won’t you? anything is possible. with him, it is. even if he doesn’t think so. you’re happier with him. you’re a better person with him. you love yourself better with him.
you love yourself and you love him.
just when she’d thought rejection itself was the worst she could have gotten from him, it crushed her to know she wasn’t a person to be trusted. yet she couldn’t blame him. she was just as skeptic. she wanted to hide herself, crawl into a hole and rot inside of it. the feeling of shame registering in her brain like a strong physical pain. imagine standing in front of the departures screen at an airport, flickering over with strange places like other people’s passwords, each representing one more thing one would never get to see before they die, all because, as the arrow on the map helpfully points out, ‘you are here.'
and inexplicable feelings take on another level in the form of a desire to care less about it all. to loosen her grip on her life, to stop glancing behind every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from her before she could reach the end zone and to rather hold her life slackened, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play. she’d taken safe strides for this long only to wound up standing on a cliff’s edge. but in that same thought, she reckons her life’s routine even more stern before he happened with people reminding her how carefree she used to be and how carefree she had been recently, once again.
she wonders just what it is she could be doing wrong. how she was always backed into a corner with no one else to blame but herself. she’s only realizing now how low her self-esteem was in reality that she had to pick herself up often in jokes. it was pathetic — how she, who made fun of her own pain, was the culprit to a self inflicted misery.
it was her essence, so to speak. to be drawn to him. specifically him. for years, he was nowhere and everywhere. close yet far. like a distant star she wished upon when the dreary weather wasn’t clouting the skies at night. the boy who had a private and mysterious inner life, and somewhere in the crevices of his mind was a door locked from the inside, a stairway that lead to a place she couldn’t fully explore because it was endless but didn’t point to nothing; a work of art. and a work of art is never meant to be finished, only abandoned. like a memory. but memories are only things of the past and he wasn’t one. he was right there. right in front of her. yet seemingly out of reach. he was silent and unmoved.
he was a force of nature. a black hole that sucked her in. a region which was meant to stay as it is — maddeningly unknowable. to her, or perhaps to anyone. no maps, no master key. no way of knowing exactly what to figure out or for starters, where she stood. what was she in his life? it was frustrating. each subsequent conversation was like entering a different passage, each a little closer to the finish line and then she’s lost again. back at the start.
the ache in her chest grew over the apologies he had thrown. not carelessly. he was gentle and that’s where the conflicting feeling stems from. the secretive and vague shell was pushed aside to share an endearing moment of honesty. she wasn’t upset despite the weak punches she hurled at him. she couldn’t be. part of her believed she had no right to feel what she felt but the other half of her was justifying, this is how it’s meant to be and in the odd mix was a rewarding feat. how strongly she had felt when she thought she wasn’t capable anymore. it seemed innocuous at the time but in the end, marked a diversion into a strange new era of her life. she was relearning how to live outside of the confined environment she willingly resided into.
his soft voice paired with his tender touch, cautious as if she was a flimsy creature. whether it was out of respect was unlikely to merit deliberation; the wolf within her had gone to slumber, the thunders subsiding and the waves turning calm. it was a first in a long time she’d savor the feeling of being cared for after all the time she feigned toughness and inhabited in self-reliance. how cruel was this fate. she was hurt and healed. now she was in his arms, though loosely, in the verge of tears so rare that he seemed to be a witness of each time.
she was urged effortlessly, raising her back up to face him, hands caressing her cheeks that burned and revealing beads of crystal tears that sat on the outline of her orbs. maybe this state was scary to him, so she breaks into a joke. “you really like making me cry, don’t you?” she laughs pitifully, pulling away from him to straighten herself up in her seat as she awkwardly gives herself a pat on the shoulder. “it’s okay. there’s a reason for everything.” and she sat still, exhaling to ease the sting. she could have walked out on him but she doesn’t know what she was waiting for. maybe she just needed a moment.
maybe this is how they figure it out.
A vague memory was what it seemed and it consumed her in every moment of slumber. A familiar face, or what’s more very similar to her own, would appear as often as the grass in the park grew out. As if it wasn’t enough that she’d been deprived of sleep as it is, with the consistent shed of tasks to fulfill in training on her way to stardom, she had to endure these dreams where her name echoed through vast walls confining her subconscious. Perhaps it was nightmares rather than dreams.
She would sometimes wake up and still have the lingering feeling of someone trying to communicate with her and whenever she would go on strolls, do her activities at the training grounds or virtually everything else she does, she could sense someone watching her. A stalker, maybe? She wasn’t that popular to assume so. Even if it was, still just downright creepy to consider. A ghost? She hopes not — that’s the worst she could imagine, yet still was a possibility.
After a week of sleeping 2 hours each day, she’d been the one to become practically a living ghost. She’d find herself seeing strange images. Whether it was all in her head or when her eyes were wide open, she couldn’t even tell. That’s how exhausted she was. She would blame it on her physical state or on all the weird videos she’s been watching lately on her phone in her downtime, even the horror games she’d been recommended to by Sueji and Saejin. She should take a break, really.
But the hallucinations she claimed to defend was a chimera, and in fact were visions. On a night of yet another chapter of fatigue, she faces the mirror to see herself again. Not exactly herself, but she had no way to explain it. Instead she watches eagerly, practically analyzes what she’s seeing because she knew by dawn it would become a blur and she would beat herself up trying to recover the memory of it.
She donned the same facial expression, the default one that almost makes out a frown, if not a scowl. Except her eyes were fiery. Not in color, but in shine. It glints of rage-driven passion. Like a volcano that was about to erupt. Her lips were bruised but somehow it was diminishing into nothing more than a plump of red, just a tone darker than her pair of lips.
She was dressed in a white v-neck zip-up shirt that was black along the bottom and sleeves medium in length. She wore white shorts with a black belt over. Odd, Jennie thinks. A belt on the socks. Then she had on black low-heeled boots that came halfway up her calves and a pair of belted straps across them, thigh high stockings that start off black at her thigh, but gradually fade into purple as they near her shoes. There were black ribbons on both of her arms, with a black detached sleeve and a silver band on her left arm. Attached to the inner side of the belt is a black, somewhat curved, half piece fabric of a skirt that hangs from the back and extends forward to her hips, lining around her figure. On the underside of it dangling was vinyl fabric in color purple.
Her clothes were torn, but she stood with poise and so elegantly brushed off remnants of dust that covered her entirety. For the whole time, Jennie was gaping and she didn’t blink even for a second. She couldn’t. She was afraid that the image in front of her would disappear if she did. But there was no helping a millisecond of a wink after a while of having her eyes red and teary. She sighs in the defeat to find just her old self in the mirror once again.
As soon as she plopped her tired body on the bed, one of her pups started barking and then the other follows, and the other, then all of them in chorus. “I’m too tired of this… ahh!” she exclaims, stroking her hair clumsily in exasperation. At first, she just claps lazily but of course they wouldn’t stop with simply that so with much effort, she stands up in a very stubborn manner. She dives in on the group who were wagging furiously all up against in each other and had them around her arms while she tries to calm them down with cuddles. Only for a minute do they stay in silence but within that she hears a faint sound of leaves rustling outside the window.
When did she open the windows again? She couldn’t remember, and that thought freaks her out for a second. She scurries to take her blanket and her massive rilakkuma stuffed toy from the top of her bed. She closes her eyes and wishes she wasn’t alone again. Jisoo didn’t have to stay and practice, did she? She’s already doing a lot better. Such thoughts occupied her restless mind. A rush of more came when the soft noise grew louder and felt closer, and it made her heart race.
Next thing you know she was reciting the rosary that she never even knew she still had memorized. Then a short squeak comes out as a head appears from the edge of the frame, with eyes so wide she could have sworn it was like a black hole sucking her in. Naturally, by instinct, she takes the first thing she could find on the floor next to her. Her “sleepy time” slippers, what she calls it, and throws it at the silhouette but it was too soft to startle whatever it was so she takes something else — the remote. How it was on the floor, she doesn’t know but at least this time she gets a response. “Ow!”
And finally, the strange figures comes to shape and it was exactly like the image in the mirror. Who’s that girl? It was her. She didn’t know the name but she could recognize. With how often she had seen her there was no way she could mistake it. In a disarray of unexplained occurrences, she couldn’t do anything but to point at her frantically with trembling hands. No words uttered despite how wide her mouth was open, quivering lips and all as if she was trying to say something but had her voice stolen from her.
“I can explain…!” said the stranger that looked exactly like her, but cooler. And just that line was enough for her to get back to her sense, just a tad. How very familiar. An epiphany hits her. This could be something alike to what crazy business she had been told by her friend Jisoo. The one that’s a nymph and dead. Eureka! The thing about universes, that’s right. Except seeing it with her own two eyes made it all seem unbelievable that she’s still convincing herself this was all part of the dream and somehow it’s about to change into another weird scene, like always.
After a while of standing in silence and a tense atmosphere however, nothing changes. Who was she kidding? But with the shock fading in anticipation of a more mundane outcome, she just whines and sits herself down, chin rested on her palm as she tries to decipher just what kind of sorcery this was. Then the other female speaks up and breaks the silence. What she was about to tell was something Jennie would never be ready for, regardless.
“My name is Arabella.” Rings a bell, she doesn’t remember where she’d heard it exactly though. “I’m not from here.” With that, Jennie rolls her eyes. She was still imagining this was just a nerd playing dress up for a convention of some sort and they just happen to look a bit alike… or maybe a lot but then again, there’s at least seven people in the world who looks exactly like one. That was easier to believe right now for her. “I know you won’t just believe me. I wouldn’t believe me if I were you, which I am.” She’s hit with confusion because of the play of words even though deep inside she found it creepily clever. “But you’re actually handling this a lot better than I expected.” A smirk plays on the girl’s face, and she sits next to Jennie oh so candidly as she starts off telling her story.
“I live in a different realm parallel to this one and it’s called Ezel. I’m a warrior back there and all of my family have died so I’ve lived my life alone with only a trainer and a friend to accompany me but now that they’re both gone, I’ve decided to come here to find at least my friend.” She faces Jennie, hands ushering hers on her knees. “It might not sound like it but we’re in the same in many things and as it turns out, we share the same soul. What happens to me, happens to you in a different way that fits how your world, this world works. What you feel, I feel. What you experience, I experience… blah blah blah.” She says dismissively with a hand waving in the air. “If I die, you die.” she continues in a serios tone as her eyes fixate on the others and deeply stares at it. “Not that I’d die. It’d take a lot to kill me.” They snicker and pauses as they both notice all at the same time.
Jennie wanted to point out the split second of a twin moment but Arabella hushes her before she could open her mouth, as if by instinct she knew that’s what she was about to do. “Let me finish.” she clears her throat as she wipes off the smile on her face, eyes trailing off to no particular spot in the room. “So all this time, we’ve been doing things the same. You training to sing, I suppose, whatever it is you’re so passionate about while I’ve been training how to fight. I can’t explain about the family, it seems yours are completely alive and well. But it’s the thing with soulmates. Your parents must have soulmates on the other end different with my own. It’s only way that’s the case.” She sighs, gaze downcast over the topic she presented herself.
“How I know all this is because I’ve been watching over you… I visit you here when I can. When no one’s trying to stick their nose into my business and writing false stories about me like I’m a villain to a myth.” eyes fixated on Jennie’s hands as she caresses it and sighs deeply. “Now I’m here because I need to find her. Her name is Astrina.” and as soon as the name slips, Jennie looks off and pulls her hands away.
“But she’s… not here anymore.”
In an instant, the room filled of deafening silence.
“What do you mean she’s not here?” Arabella speaks up, her tone grave and firm, almost threatening. “I saw her. I found her finally, just some days ago.” A nervous chuckle escapes her, as if somehow she didn’t believe her own words anymore after being told of grievous tidings. “But I don’t know she is exactly. You have to help me.” Arabella’s hands reach for the other’s once again, more assertive with a squeeze this time.
And again, just as Jennie was trying to move past such a dark phase in her life, she was being convinced that her friend faked her death, or whatever is it that she could have done to cover that she was still alive. Why would she need to do such a thing? It made even her former words a lot harder to believe. She had enough of the insane stories at this point and her asking for a favor was too much to bear. She couldn’t even stand another day being reminded of the tragedy, now she was being asked to get involved into a lost cause.
Jennie turns her back at the hopeful warrior, face donning a dull expression. “I’m sorry…” she says as her voice cracks. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense. If you believe she’s still here… If you really think it’s her you’ve found, it won’t be easy to track her down, right? With all your magic and stuff.” No more words were needed to hurt Arabella’s ego. Such assumptions coming from her soulmate made it all the more insufferable, and when she thought her stone of a heart couldn’t ache any further, it did.
Even with a lot more to say, in the state that she had been placed into, an explanation became difficult to proffer. She finds herself looking away as well, both figures facing each other’s backs.
“Just… stop making me regret I ever met her.” Those became her last words to Arabella who disappears into the night, leaving no trace that she ever came while Jennie’s left wondering if all that was real or nothing more than a daydream; her subconscious telling her there was hope for her friend to come back. When someone leaves for good, can they really come back?
jennie, what are you so sad for?
this was everything that you asked for.
some minutes are spent staring at the tips of her fingers and how the paint was cracking off of her nails. no problem about it, nonetheless. there’s always the mist to go to. except in grief she’s lost all reason to visit the place no matter how dearly it once was held. and then some more at the hoodie that was taken out the trash bin, fresh and clean from the laundry. things have gone better, right? she should be grateful. it could have been worse. said the whispers that resonated in her mind.
everything was an absolute reverse of herself. how she’s felt, how she’d been acting; all very uncharacteristic, least in her point of view. since the series of blows engulfing her in an impassioned plea for help that no one seemed to overhear, she had been practicing a spell; how to disappear, from herself, within herself.
each time she left and shut off, something in her is kept. something in her turns its back. she was ready to let go. to give up. but who was that person if not someone else entirely? someone else reflected in the mirror, answering to her name, when she was the alchemist of her loneliness. she should be able to create anything in its place. in that same way, everything she ever loved had become foreign.
she wishes for a reset button, like how she’d heard it the night before yet she doesn’t believe it exists. it was just that, a wish. an ailing wish. the mind of a perfectionist is always in pain. she wanted no flaws. and after all that’s happened, it was beyond repair. only a clean slate could rectify.
but that was in vain.
in vain because she was stuck, still. and in her own mind she knew it wasn’t possible. she had to pick herself up along the way, like the usual, despite the universe going against her. in the end, it was only her and herself. her friends ask why and what constantly. what the hell she has the blues for?
it’s not that bad.
name a reason you have to be mad.
jennie, what are you so sad for?
