✍ : excerpt from jennie kim’s diary

[ 10 . 03 . 16 ]

_{you are sharp edged steel. a fragment of a shattered mirror, the broken bone reflection of a cruel smile. all of you is ripped edges and cracked glass but your heart still throbs with lioness blood…}

_{if i actually started writing lyrics for our singles, would people even buy it? i’ve only ever showed pieces to a few people, most of them to one. i should get back into that writing class… but that means i’d have to cut down on yoga sessions. what a dilemma, picking between working for inner peace or ruining that inner peace but making progress as a musician? maybe if i stressed less about writing, i’d actually be able to come up with better songs. i feel so elementary in this field… i’m pretty sure i have all that i need. what am i missing?}

✍ : excerpt from jennie kim’s diary

[ 02 . 24 . 17 ]

_{i’ve done virtually everything creative i could think of but i can’t wane from the efforts. if i’m doing the most before, i have to keep on doing them. although this time, i’m starting this collection of entries for myself, so that i can one day look back to them and know just how strongly he loves me. his actions show me but some things should be written down and remembered always.}

_{my happiness is to be near him. incessantly i live over in my memory ███ ████ his affectionate solicitude. the charms of this… incomparable guy continually kindles a burning flame in my heart. my body is filled with him for days and days. it is with him that i can do anything at all. except i can’t be too clever or standoffish with him. oh, i just can’t!! he has broken down my defenses… and yet i don’t really resent it. but i could be completely shameless with him. i could tell him my worries without feeling dissatisfied or judged. does he not have a single pet peeve or is it simply to do with what we have? never in my life had i thought i would ████ find and be found by someone who loves me the way he does. not that i believed i was incapable of being loved, but it’s difficult to fathom… learning that someone… i yearned to be close to could appreciate and cherish me the way i dreamed about.}

_{through him, there’s many things i learned about myself. i disliked a lot of things in the past, but it’s with him that i’ve started to open up slowly. i even feel at ease just sitting in silence now, rather than stressing over making conversation and keeping things fun. it’s been a year and a little over this ‘honeymoon phase’ people speak of, but? i don’t know… it doesn’t seem much like a phase. even if yesterday was as simple as us laying lazily on the couch in our lounge attire, even if our days are spent ███ ██████ indoors with only each other’s company, they’re not any less special than days we’d spent on luxury restaurants. everyday is special with him. even with the distance that keeps us apart… ah… i hope i’m not jinxing any of this. i’m gotten very used to being this happy.}

a message from @jkbaws​ regarding this

• usually people don’t tell her to get lost, and maybe that’s why jennie feels comfortable around sixty year old trapped in a twenty-three year old’s body. who the hell listens to folk songs and knows all the lyrics at their age? it’s kind of like being friends with your dad, if your dad somehow got a very advanced face-lift. jongin nags a lot, and jennie ignores him like any other rebellious teenager would.

_{REGRESS: MEET LITTLE JENNIE.}

_{A seagull hops over the quay as if too lazy to spread its white-ish gray wings. Jennie admires its yellow beak, though the way it droops downward to a point puts her in mind of a witch. She imagines the pointed end to be like the nose and the beady eyes to be conjuring dark spells. Jennie giggles at her own imagination and wanders after the bird, flapping her arms and wiggling as she walks. She was dressed in a primrose pinafore dress and champagne bone smooth dress shoes, the girl beside her watching over with genuine concern that she would fall and stain the ensemble, but little Jennie was too young to care.}

_{Now all her eyes were fixated on was a stall from a distance that displayed what looked like cotton candy from afar. Stubby fingers eagerly pinch at the skirt of her home-stay guardian, chubby cheeks puffing slightly as the corner of her lips pull up to form a smile. “Auntie, auntie!! Can we buy cotton candy from that mister?” To her dismay, the immediate answer was a no. “Sweetie, I packed you some food for the cruise. You have your fruits in there, too.”}

_{Stubborn little Jennie pouted in silence, head bowed down to conceal her seething vexation. Even as a child, she despised showing vulnerability. She was always told anger was a weakness, as being at the mercy of her emotions generally was, so it was a curse that her temper was a stumbling block. She didn’t want to be seen as a fractious, spoiled brat, so she does this. It was just spun sugar she was fussed over, literally almost 99.99% sugar, with dashes of flavoring and food coloring. “Honey, we have to stay in line for the tickets,” says her aunt to her husband. He simply nods in agreement, hovering to mumble some words Jennie couldn’t make out.}

_{Destiny plays against her favor, coincidentally putting in her line of sight a young lady enjoying a stick of the confection she was currently craving for. How she wishes she was an adult who could go on her own to buy it herself without getting lost and worrying about the money to pay for it. Jennie stares at this woman unintentionally, imagining she was holding the candy in her small hands instead.}

_{The trance was interrupted when the stranger seemed to take notice of her. It’s rude to stare, Jennie. Alarmed by the sudden attention, she abruptly looks away, fingers twiddling in anxiety. Her feet shuffles to hide behind her unnie, who wasn’t much older, but she glances back to the female to find that she didn’t seem the least bit threatening for her to be behaving that way. She even thought this woman was very pretty. Jennie smiles in a subtle way, depicting an attempt to engage in this silent back and forth despite her timidness.}

_{REGRESS: MEET LITTLE JENNIE.}

_{One of the major reasons children behave badly is because they feel frustrated and powerless. But not Jennie.} 

_{Being born an only child into a family that lived well within the comfortable bracket of economic and social position gave her the privilege of getting spoiled. She was given most everything, except a close relationship with the very people who put her in such a pedestal. A host family could only care for her so much, providing things like clothing, food, a roof over her head, and a safe route to the ridiculously expensive school she attends. It was because of this that she was forced to mature on her own.}

_{There had always been two dominant sides to her. On one hand, she was known to be a cheerful kid that bubbles into laughter and claims to be her happiest over the simplest things; like winning a video game for the first time or playing fetch with a dog. On another, she was persevering and disciplined. Unless she was with her friends, the time she had away from her parents, she spent studying and studying. Her motivation was to see them again. If she did well, it meant moving forward. Moving forward meant reaching a goal. The sooner that happens, the sooner she would be able to live with them again back in South Korea.}

_{It was for this that she had this natural instinct to teach, just as she did to her close friends at school. This tower of a man calling her ‘girl’ in a curled tone seemed to need some assistance to learning the Korean language, in which Jennie was more than happy to give although the job wasn’t assigned to her. Who could trust a kid with such a task anyway? Especially when the student was an grown man.}

_{Children who understand that there are well-defined boundaries learn how to self-regulate and to respect limits but with some, it was in their nature to be spontaneous. This counts Jennie, circa 2006. She earns this impressed reaction from him when she butts into his ‘adult’ conversation with another, correcting his verb use. It was unprecedented and proves true because of how foul the other party looked at her. It tells her she had violated something doesn’t know well yet. In turn, she does a mischievous titter, looks up at the tall male, and beams proudly.}

_{You can imagine how highly esteemed Matthew has become in the eyes of 10 year old Jennie after this incident.}