consilian​:

THERE’S A CONFUSING FEELING TUGGING at his heartstrings and Tarek isn’t sure if he needs to attribute this to the fact that he gets to see his mother again after years of having pretended that she didn’t exist, that she was no longer part of his life, or if this has something to do with a very encouraging and kind friend telling him to do what he knows he needs to do     even going as far as to accompany him when he tells her he can’t do it. Under different circumstances, he would have worn his significant boyish grin, the one that makes him look so much like one of the little boys whose eyes are still filled with innocence and who refuses to acknowledge the brutality of the world, but this is far more personal.

Jennie seems to understand; and if she doesn’t, she keeps it to herself.

“Are you sure you want to come with me? There’s still time left, if you want to back out on it.” He’s nervously chewing on his lower lip, unsure of what to think or feel as he sits in the waiting room, his nerves spinning and reeling as the nurses pass him by. The boy almost feels as though this is the dumbest idea he’s had in a while, but at the end of the day it was Jennie who urged him to see her again after he’s spilled out his guts to her on his mother’s birthday, about how guilty he feels and how his mother deserves a different, a better version of a son. It feels slightly strange to burden a younger person with his own worries, especially when Tarek has grown so accustomed to keeping them to himself, but Jennie offers her genuine empathy and tags along, like it’s the most normal thing to be doing.

Briefly he thinks he’s far more worried for Jennie’s reputation than she herself seems to be, considering that she has just debuted two weeks ago, but she doesn’t address the issue so he decides to keep quiet about it as well.

“Are you here to see Ms Lee?” He raises his head to meet the gaze of an elderly nurse with sharp features. There’s fear bubbling up inside of him, and for a moment he debates whether or not running away is the better solution to his problem, but Jennie gently shoves him forward, and by then there’s no way to back out of this again. Swallowing down all his fears and insecurities, because he already has a startling vision of how this is going to go down, and it’s scary to imagine it coming true to an extent where the usually cheerful boy grows to be awfully quiet. He wonders if Jennie notices any of that (but then again, maybe she’s just too invested into trying to distract him from his negativity).

The path to his mother’s room feels like he’s walking to his execution, and he’s not sure if the feeling of embarrassment for letting his friend see him in such a vulnerable state is worse than the emotion of wanting to burst into tears at the thought of seeing his mother again after years of separation, with the chances of her realizing who he is being slim to non-existent. When the nurse opens the door to one of the rooms and gestures for the two to step inside before closing the door behind them again, Tarek knows for sure his resolve is starting to break, because the realization that his mother is inside is simply too much.

Upon first glance, nothing seems to have changed: her hair is still a pretty shade of dark brown and she still looks beautiful despite age showing on her features, but there’s that familiar gleam of a lack of realization on her features, one that Tarek has seen as a kid when her sickness has just started developing without a proper diagnosis or treatment, at first, andit hurts.

He questions his sanity for having agreed to this.

His mother’s mouth falls open into a silent oh, and it almost seems as though sheremembers when her gaze lingers on her son for a second too long but then her eyes wander over to the petite girl standing slightly behind the male, and the corner of her lips tug upwards into a smile. Tarek can’t tell what she must be thinking at the moment, and whether or not she, somehow, recognizes Jennie (that would be a start, wouldn’t it?) but he’ll take what he can get and hope for the best.

“Good evening.” She speaks slowly, carefully, almost as though she doesn’t welcome to presence of strangers within the confinement of her own four walls, but her smile is warm and inviting and for a moment, Tarek thinks he can see part of the woman he used to call his mother when he was younger. “To what do I owe the honour of this visit? You must know, hardly anyone ever stops by.” Her tone doesn’t sound accusing, and the timbre she uses to speak to the two young adults suggests she isn’t mad either.

The only reason she isn’t mad, the boy thinks to himself, is because she doesn’t remember me or that she has people whom she once loved. He turns his back towards his mother, unsure on how to progress and his eyes look for Jennie’s in a nearly helpless manner. Suddenly, he feels like that little boy who didn’t know how to handle what life threw into his way, who didn’t understand what schizophrenia meant when it was first explained to him.

“I think I saw you before.” If he stays any longer in this room, he’s going to go insane.

“You’re one of these girls who sing, aren’t you? I saw you on television the other day. You look so much younger without all this make-up on. It suits you.”

_{If there’s anything the newly debuted artist wished for, it was to continue keeping in touch with the people who’s been there since the beginning and Tarek was definitely one of them. He’s even bending over backwards just to help out the young lady. This small deed was indeed such compared to what he’s done for her. Except she’s not sure what she should expect. There’s only really a mention of an ill parent that was estranged at the same time and even the persistent Jennie couldn’t exactly pry out too much from the male. She was prepared for the tears and the classic melodramatic conversation in reconciliation that transpires as she assumes based on what the media portrays.}

_{There’s anxiety in the young, the knowledge that at a certain age they are expected to leave those that raised them. Everyone matures at a unique rate, everyone has different tolerance levels for risk. Sure, sometimes a baby bird may need a loving shove to discover they can really fly, but that’s different from them feeling unwelcome to return. On top of that, time takes its own time. There was a lot to catch up on but the question is if there was enough of what was taken away in place to compensate for what should be spent together.}

_{Not many people knew of it but sentimental was one defining trait Jennie had. So when the certain friend brings up a story concerning woes close to his general character, there’s genuine interest in trying to help out. Never give up, never surrender. Even if it doesn’t fit, she’ll stick the motto in. There were plenty of chances to make up and what was one time for a shot. She encourages, or rather insists. This is something not everyone is granted and she’d go as far as to say it was a luxury only if she didn’t keep from unintentionally making him feel bad. She can be a bit harsh in circumstances as serious as this but with such a sensitive connotation to what might occur when they come to meet face to face, the emphasis was on the attempt to be tender and compassionate.}

_{At first there’s laughter. Was he seriously thinking Jennie would back out now? Or anytime at all? “No way. You’re stuck with me.” She says as if it was him tagging along instead of the other way around. But it’s more on how uncertainty was evident with him. There’s at least the initiative that she shows in action and proves she wasn’t bailing on him, then there’s the words that follow suit to reassure which was delivered in a casual way to keep him at ease. “Besides, if we push this for any other day, I wouldn’t have the time… today’s a day with Tarek oppa. We spend it this way for once.” Eyes flutter into small slits which then forms into crescents along with the upward curve of the corner of her lips.}

_{Soon as the words leave her lips, they’re attended by an inquiring nurse. Fear can change who we are inside, make us compromise where we should stand firm. For a split second, she sees that invisible hammer to his head. She looks to the male with a newfound silence and the response was just about the same, except one that was internalized as opposed to hers directed at him. “Go, go.” She ushers him forward, eyebrows relaxed as she smiles softly and stands up to follow after him. She bows to the nurse as they enter the room and the moment her line of sight falls onto the patient in their bed, she found herself leafing through her courage and mustering an ounce’s worth to share to the friend. It must have been painful to see her this way, just as it did for her who isn’t even related to her at all.}

_{If it wasn’t sincere, one would say Jennie was absolutely terrible with comforting people. She didn’t take excessive skinship very well in the first place so just from that, hugs were already out of the question unless the subject in question was in dire need. His eyes showed the kind of gentle concern she rarely sees with the bubbly disposition he’s always presented. She’s considering her actions clearly, now that she could see how profoundly the situation affected him and for very valid reasons.}

_{Just from the way his mother’s eyes shifted quickly to her, she had an idea. She bows and greets her out of courtesy. She offers a smile but one painted with confusion over the lack of acknowledgement to the person who was the priority for this visit. From the remarks, it strikes her that she hadn’t any memory of him left or at least that it’s a disability holding her back. When she sees that paralyzed glint in his eyes, a hand rests on his back just to let him know she was right there and she was sorry. Despite being recognized, a perfectly sound reason to rejoice over as someone who’s only starting to make a name for herself, she feels nothing but apologetic.}

_{She nods politely at first then she bows once again, her other hand resting on her chest. While her head stays low, she sighs out softly and her gaze subtly darts towards him. The look of worry diminishes the moment she looks back up, just to show the compliment was accepted. “Thank you, missus.” A soft chuckle follows. “But um…” she steps forward with the hand formerly resting on his back sliding down to his arm. She pulls him gently along with her. “This is… Tarek. He came here to visit you.” She simply says and she’s worried what such a plain statement could result to, especially with his name being mentioned outright. All she could really do was pray things slip into place.}