maximum effort.

she couldn’t quite help but think about it. doubts have always been at her side. that’s the trouble with loving a wild thing: you’re always left watching the door.

june 2015.
aren’t you too similar? you wonder if that meant anything at all, saying ‘right’ to most, if not everything that he says. it doesn’t sink in at first because this was normal. relating to someone else was normal to some degree. except relating to someone that you used to envy causes a lot of conflicting thoughts. but he’s so nice, isn’t he? you wonder what makes him so. and you try to be more like that. more like him. because you think he’s a version of you. a better one.

july 2015.
so finally, something distracts you. rather someone strays you away from the straight path you’ve been walking on for years. it upsets you, naturally. this wasn’t supposed to happen. it wasn’t part of the 'life plan’ that you set for yourself. you mope around about it and even loathe over yourself. you thought maybe if you shut up about it, you won’t think about it as much anymore. you can’t help it, can you? it’s even harder because he talks to you. in a way that makes you think it’s possible. somewhere, somehow — something is.

august 2015.
now that you accept it, you think of ways of telling. you’re so willing that you’d take the risk even if it was your first time confessing to someone. your first time doing so without being sure what he felt for you. but you thought he would like you back, didn’t you? that’s why when he gave you a ‘no’, you were seething with rage. you start to despise him slowly then, yet he still hugs you and you’re dumbfounded again, thinking this was the work of the devil. there was nothing you could do with all that anger so you suppressed it. suppressed it until the tragedy was over. suppressed so much that you turned it onto yourself. now you owe the biggest apology to yourself because no one’s been crueler than you’ve ever been to you.

september 2015.
this was his reason. it was the very same one as yours. was it really the reason? you were never really told straight, just regarded as a friend. he’s out there now doing his best and oddly enough, you want exactly that for him. just the best. even if you’re just on the sidelines, which wasn’t your thing. you were hungry for the fame. you wanted to be up there instead of him. but that changed, right? you wanted to be up there with him. that, or cheering from the front row seats. you’re so proud. you’re witnessing him immersed in his passion and it’s the most wonderful thing. so you watch him even if it hurts a little, or a lot. of course, it hurts a lot. you just like to convince yourself until it feels real and you hated when that didn’t work out.

october 2015.
“why him?” they ask. you ask them back instead of answer because you didn’t really know why, but you think the real question was supposed to be, “why anyone else when he exists?” and you believed that for so long. he was so beautiful to you, you were satisfied just watching him do even the simplest things. you were happy hearing him talk and his voice made you weak. it still does. it’s even worse now than then.

november 2015.
it’s the same questions but this time, there’s more that’s bothering you and keeping you up at night. why is he so blue? you can’t help but worry. like a part of you was shattered. like your soul was connected to his and hurting as well. but you don’t know what it is. he won’t tell you. he kept saying, one day. one day. and you wait for it even when you’re so impatient. even when you’re burdened yourself. even after getting rejected and having to live with your greatest fear on your bedside, like your new best friend. you’re left wondering. what could be so wrong? is it something you can fix? can’t he let you fix it? does he want anyone else to fix it? does he want you to fix it? does he want you? the answer is still a no.

december 2015.
somehow it’s different again and  the hopes are building up. anticipation. for a minute, you thought what was troubling him had something to do with you. you wished. you could only do as much as that anyway. you disappoint yourself over and over, as if it wasn’t enough what you received from the constant stones thrown at you by everyone and everything else. do you really hate yourself this much? so much that you couldn’t spend christmas being thankful?

january 2016.
it’s time you finally pick yourself up, it’s a new beginning. you’re feeling a lot more hopeful this time around. and that’s even more fueled because he pours his heart out into a gift that you’re melting again. he does one thing and you’re back at it. back at it again like a damn martyr. it all piles up. he makes you feel special. but are you really? or was it because he was lonely? lonely, still. lonely, and now you find out why. you were just a speck of dust in his life all along. the “friend” he always hung out with. whoever said the truth shall set you free lied. everyone lies. even him, the purest thing in your eyes. but you’d do anything for him, just face it. you’d even let him kill you. and you did.

february 2016.
a time off was only for the best, wasn’t it? yet you’re hurling balls of fire at practically anyone. meaner without him, kinder around him. all because you couldn’t get what you want. you’re so used to getting what you want and it’s the same reason you haven’t given up. you’re pushing your luck and you’re not listening even to your own advice. you’re so stubborn, when will you learn? maybe someday — most likely never. because now you have a reason. but you’re worried, even more now. you have many flaws you’re afraid he’ll see. you’re greedy, jealous, insecure, crude, obnoxious, overbearing: a handful, a pain in the ass. what happened to the concept of loving yourself that you used to firmly believe? he looks at you like no one ever has. like you’re the most perfect thing in the universe. you don’t know what he sees but you accept it because he does, and all you’ve ever wanted was for him see what you two can be.

march 2016.
“when he reassures you, listen to him. it’s okay to worry but listen to him.” even a friend knows better what to do than you who claims to know him best. what are you so afraid of? what is there to lose? you have him and he accepts you. you finally have him, even when a point came that you didn’t think it’d be possible. but because you’re scared, you put everything into what you have before it’s over. and you wish it’ll never be over yet you don’t know if forever was something to hold onto. you tell him you love him even when you’re terrified. you tell someone you love them for the very first time, like all first times shared with him. you tell not just someone, you tell him, and he asks you not to leave him. that alone gives you the idea that it should be. it will be. you’ll make it happen, won’t you? anything is possible. with him, it is. even if he doesn’t think so. you’re happier with him. you’re a better person with him. you love yourself better with him.

you love yourself and you love him.